The road ahead

Jonathan:

Megan and I have both been surprised by the underlying tone of negativity our writings have had lately, and it's motivated us to step back for a day or two and reflect on why.

A few days ago we took a gorgeous road trip between the desert oasis of San Pedro de Atacama in northern Chile, and the lush green valley's of Salta in northwest Argentina. For much of the journey I found myself staring out the window wondering why so much of the beauty we've encountered over the past several weeks had been so difficult to enjoy. I was trying to pinpoint the moment that things had shifted for us. What had happened that had caused us to switch so decisively from our spirit of tranquility, to feeling so victimized and targeted?

We had really been enjoying our time in Peru up until Cusco; the northern coast and the Cordillera Blanca had been amazing; and even the initial difficulties we experienced in Cusco hadn't been enough to kill our spirits. Two weeks into our time there we were enjoying ourselves well enough to change our plans and stay an extra week. We were planning a backpacking trip to nearby Ausangate, and... that's when my bag was stolen, from the very agency where we had been planning that trip. Yesterday it occurred to me that I never really let it sink in how difficult that was.

It's pretty normal for me to try to handle difficult situations rationally, but I don't usually do it to such an extent that I completely deprive myself of the emotional experience and the invaluable learning process that inevitably ensues. Regardless, in this case I think I did.

When the dust had settled after the bag was taken - the police reports had been filled out, the insurance claims had been filed, and we had given up hope that anyone would be able to find anything - I sat down to write about the experience. Knowing this blog has served as an excellent tool for processing the powerful and sometimes trying experiences that have defined this trip for the two of us, I fully intended to write about the intense frustration I was feeling in the midst of my tremendous sense of loss - my brand new camera that had just been delivered a few days before, eight months of notes and countless hours of effort I had poured into my Spanish notebooks, my travel journal... my drawings, my reflections, my cultural observations, my goals for when we return home... everything was lost for good. I intended to write about the sense of vulnerability we were feeling, and the distrust we seemed to have developed toward everyone around us, even those who were just trying to help. I titled the post "Reality Check," and I began to write.

To my surprise, I did not end up writing about my intense emotional experience at all. In fact, I didn't even mention the theft. Instead I wrote about how I thought Cusco wasn't such a good fit for the two of us this time around, and we probably just needed to move on. I changed the title to "Then and Now," and I asked Megan if she could casually mention in her post that I had happened to lose all of my most valued possessions. In the second blogging opportunity I had to process what I was going through, "Nine Months Deep," I ended up writing more about how hostile our experience in Peru had felt, and that maybe our trip had peaked and we were just starting to lose our capacity to enjoy ourselves down here. I think there is some genuine truth behind both posts, which is important to acknowledge, but in looking back I think they were both written in an effort to convince myself that the problem was some outside condition, something separate from us.

In my moment of clarity the other day, it occurred to me that a huge part of the negativity we've been experiencing these past few weeks is something we've been dragging around with us from place to place. Peru hadn't changed; we had. That kind of a shift in perception is not something that can be fixed by a simple change of scenery, but it certainly doesn't mean that we have lost our capacity to create meaningful experiences on this trip.

The incredible beauty that has surrounded us since we arrived in Argentina a few days ago has almost forced me to admit that I don't want to finish out these next three months by just going through the motions. I want to be here to experience everything that is waiting for us on the road ahead, and I want to do it with the sense of peace and openness that has already allowed this trip to become the journey of a lifetime.